Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
You Might Also Like
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much