me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
You Might Also Like
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Watson was Holmes schooled
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
This has made my week.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.