My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
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*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I’m giving up for Lent.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on