“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
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I’m already scared
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ