Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
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Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me