ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
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Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.