WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
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i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
I’m tired tomorrow.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.