Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
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Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed