“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
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Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Every work meeting this week
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.