Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
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Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
kevin is now a local weatherman
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.