*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Lube but for my dry humor.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone