I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
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On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
stop
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.