george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
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I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
dam girl
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I hate my earbuds.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??