Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Strangers have the best candy.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s