Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
You Might Also Like
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My dad.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I was just discussing this with my cat
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.