I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
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Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Holy shit he’s back
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.