I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
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Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Worst Native American name ever.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
There is wisdom there.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.