Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
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I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
bout dat hot dog summer
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do