Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
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art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Rather alarming headline…
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?