*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
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My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.