Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
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Terribly Tuesday.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”