My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
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careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.