Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
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There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
my mind
You just read my mind
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.