Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
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PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
i hate you platonically
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.