[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
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Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
still the best tweet of the year by far
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.