God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
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ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do