[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
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I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.