Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
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Seductively sings in Klingon.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
technically true but not a great slogan
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
A collection of me turning into random objects.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.