Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
called in thicc to work this morning
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises