Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
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8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.