Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
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Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
had to make it
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other