I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
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my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
me hooking up with my ex
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗