Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
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My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Why am I like this?
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Had to try this trend 😊
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.