I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
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Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir