Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
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[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem