How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
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Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep