[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
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Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious