The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
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If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
courtroom exchange of the day
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami