[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
real
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.