As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
The human personality is made of five key elements
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.