I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
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I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.