Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
You Might Also Like
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.