Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
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Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
#TopTip
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes