Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
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I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
(Gaming support cat.)
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.