Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
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me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.