My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
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It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
She was rare, like a goth jogging
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?