You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Best mom ever 😂
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me