Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
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Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.