Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
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I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff