Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
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I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.